The sick and twisted voodoo doll love child of Lupe* must've been getting stuck with all kinds of pins and needles yesterday!!
;
and what's the deal with the saying pins and needles?! Aren't they the same damn thing!?
well, nobody told me it was gonna snow yesterday...or maybe I just wasn't listening when I came out of my house this morning wearing my glitter black shoes with the thickness of Amy Winehouse's signature ballet slippers and no hat, umbrella or scarf. I thought it felt a little too warm for winter outside this morning and according to the Mega Bitch (my mom who totally lives up to her name), it always gets warm right before it snows. I got to work and enjoyed a hot cup of pick me up hot chocolate and bullshitted the day away, not realizing that there was a fucking blizzard outside.
yes, I know that saying "hot cup of hot chocolate" sounds strange, but bite me
Before we knew it, the ground was covered in snow and ice. The fucking idiots never put down any salt. I guess The City was reading Kevin Clamato's bulletins about how it won't ever snow when the weatherman predicts it. I-don't-need-no-weatherman-to-tell-which-way-the-wind-blows MY ASS! I need to stop living like a hippy and watch the damn news! Whether I watched it or not, I'd still be in disbelief because people in Maryland make such a big deal about snow. If you don't believe me, take a piece of white paper and cut it up into little pieces of confetti. Go outside and toss the confetti in the air around some Marylanders and see if they don't freak out thinking it's snow and run to the nearest grocery store for milk, bread, and toilet paper. The world may be ending due to a natural disaster but Marylanders will have clean asses. The City is another story. If you work for The City , all I can say is "fuck, man. you're fucked." We don't close for shit!! There were some whispers of a liberal leave so we packed it up and started heading out. I left the office with my boss at about 2pm and when I made it to my door, it was after 5pm. A 10 minute ride from my office to Falls Road took OVER an hour! There was stop-and-go-and-stop-and-sit-and-stop-and-go-for-only-13-miles-per-hour-and-go traffic the whole ride there...and let us not forget that we were driving up a hill and then down and then up and then down in between a shit load of other people rushing to get home and/or to the store for their milk, bread, and toilet paper. After getting stuck about 3 times, we ended up behind a disability van that thought it would be a good idea to try and "make the light" in spite of the traffic and ice. The fucking idiot ended up smack dead (but not literally dead) in the middle of the intersection. Cars started beeping because beeping would resolve the situation...idiots! Then this gentle lily stay-at-home soccer mom tries to jump out of her car to curse the driver out. Apparently she didn't get the memo that she was not starring in some Lifetime movie where some doormat of a woman finally grows a set of hairy balls and gets things to go her way along with a spoon full of liberation. After nobody paid her ass any mind, she got back in her car and sat there like the rest of us. No sense in being in a rush to go absofuckinglutely NO WHERE!! So we made our way to Falls Road where she kicked my ass to the curb. I went to Dunkin' Donuts for my cure all-caramel swirl iced coffee. So I had a choice...wait for the bus, call a cab, attempt to catch a cab on the street or walk.
the bus- psssssssssh! we had been out of the office and on the same road that the bus would travel for well over an hour and there was no bus in sight. that was out. calling a cab-all of the numbers were busy catching a cab on the street- HA! you would have better luck waving to a plane in the sky and having the pilot land in front of you to give you a ride.
Walking seemed like the best option...especially since I had to tinkle. I started walking and when it came time to cross the street, there were cars passing. I waited patiently with my half COMPLETELY frozen toes for a break in traffic and this fucking asshole came speeding down the street splashing me with a mixture of slush, freezing water, salt, gasoline and mud...yes, MUD! I'm a person who doesn't even drink/eat off of my own family members and don't even get me started on how gross I think kissing is so you can imagine my disgust when that street slime (that could only be described as the taste of Ron Jeremy's penis fluid spread over the bottom of a sewer and then licked up by a rat that was cooked in some hole in the wall Chinese restaurant and then served to Britney Spears, then barfed up into Amy Whinehouse's mouth and snowballed between her and Pete Doherty) flew into my mouth, hair, eyes and face. I had my phone in my hand and my first thought was to throw it through his back window, but then I remembered that my insurance expired on my cell phone 27 days ago. Nobody has donated to my new cell phone fund (paypal: PreciosaLaLoca@aol.com, preferably the LG Voyager so don't be stingy with the $$), so that would've been a terrible mistake. I did pray last night that the sorry bastards car flipped over on his way home. While everyone else was enjoying a half day off, in front of their televisions watching lame court shows and trying to decide between tea or hot chocolate, I was freezing my ass off deciding whether or not I should piss on myself to keep warm. So here I am walking down the side of the road (on the heel of my foot out of fear that my toes would break off and I wouldn't even notice because they were frozen), looking like the abominable snow man in my white coat. Two hours, three episodes of vomitting, and about seven minor car splashes later, I stumbled upon my door step, half blind by the gasoline mixture getting in my eyes, at which point a bus rolled by. FUCK ME! So yea, if you think you had a bad day, fuck off. My day was worse.
*-my enemies
and this took place the week before last, not yesterday.
posted by Preci at 
